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| Thoughts keep bouncing back and forth.
"I'm not good enough for her."
"Am I mature enough for a relationship?"
"Do I deserve a girlfriend?"
"Being jealous of him is stupid."
As usual, after starting one of these entries my mind gets all scrambled up and I forget what I started it for.
Gaouuu...
Tsk, oh well.
Next time, maybe.
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| Thoughts keep bouncing back and forth.
"I'm not good enough for her."
"Am I mature enough for a relationship?"
"Do I deserve a girlfriend?"
"Being jealous of him is stupid."
As usual, after starting one of these entries my mind gets all scrambled up and I forget what I started it for.
Gaouuu...
Tsk, oh well.
Next time, maybe.
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| It's gonna be... interesting being home for this extended period of time after having been up north for so long.
I'll get used to that, sure.
But, well... I've got *someone* on my mind. I can't get her out of it. So... this break is awesome and it's horrible.
All this free time that I'd love to be spending with her, but... I'm here, and she's a ways away... =_=
Also not being able to see her lets teeny seeds of doubts to grow. Does she feel the same way? Does she already have someone?
Bleah...
Naha, not much to do but put up with it, neh?
Here's to a good month...
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| Well, it seems to be the last day of my first week of college. Things seem to be fine *so far*, as I haven't missed any assignments or anything like that *yet*. I guess I really need to get a handle on starting my assignments as soon as possible... Mostly the reading stuff.
...I started typing this up thinking I had a lot that I wanted to say... I guess I actually don't.
Tsk. Oh well.
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| I say that too much, but this time it really has.
A lot of things have happened since my last update. Some small stuff, some really heavy stuff.
Today, my grandmother passed away. Some time last Saturday she had a stroke, and we took her to the hospital. At the hospital, her state slowly declined even though her vitals remained stable. We all hoped for a miraculous recovery.
Unfortunately, it didn't come.
At some point today, she simply stopped breathing. I really have no idea when, and I think it's possible that it happened before my cousins and aunt were able to visit. Here, I had not been fazed. In fact, I pretty much felt bored. I didn't even cry.
After this, I had to go to LAX with my dad and one of my cousins to pick up his dad (my uncle) and my grandpa. We waited for him, then headed back to the hospital after having to search for him in crowds and crowds of people. The ride home was quiet, with bits of small-talk between myself and my cousin.
My grandpa didn't know what had happened yet. Once we arrived at the hospital, he was taken to a small room on the side and... I heard him sobbing. A nurse had to tell him before he actually saw her body, for fear that the shock would harm him.
Finally, he was taken to my grandma's room. He leaned over her and broke out in tears.
There is nothing quite as piercing as the sound of an old man's sobbing. Whatever barrier I had formed during the events following up to this shattered like glass, but even then I shed no tears. Two more times, his weeping struck at my heart. The first was whenever he'd break while praying one final prayer with her.
The second was when I bowed for his blessings. He started to apologize for not being present for my graduation but broke, exclaiming that I was her favorite grandchild. Here, I could feel a lump in my throat, signaling the arrival of tears, but I didn't cry.
Even now I get that feeling, and fight it.
I feel so selfish for not wanting to go back to the Philippines for the then-idea of a funeral. Now a combination of guilt and a hollow, sinking feeling sits in my chest.
*sigh*
Goodbye, grandma. I'm sure you're in heaven by now.
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